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Saturday, May 15, 2010

What We Talk About When We Talk About Kink

This one's going to be short and ranty. And in list format!

Sometimes I just get so unhappy about the terms people use, and then I have to monologue about them to anyone who will listen (Mina and Miranda, basically). Now I'm going to do that to you, imaginary readers! For your extreme, almost-overwhelming pleasure, I present... A List of Terms That Piss Me Off:

Subby - Or maybe it's with an "ie". If someone self-identifies as a subby/ie, that's fine with me. Anyone who thinks it's cool to use that as a blanket term for submissives, though, hasn't thought about what the word "submissive" means. It does not mean "into humiliation". Plenty of subs are into being demeaned, but even among those, most of us aren't into being demeaned all the time, by anyone who thinks they know anything about BDSM. Demean me - if I ask you to - but respect my sexual identity, please.

Domme - "Dominant" is a gender-neutral word. "Dom" is a gender-neutral abbreviation. The only reason to make the word feminine is that it is abnormal for women to be dominant, which is, even statistically speaking, untrue.

The Lifestyle - Oh come on.

Do not even think for a minute that this is the end of me being angry about terminology! However. I am about to go to a party, where I plan to be happy, which is more fun. Goodnight!


  1. I agree on the subbie part. I find it demeaning. The others I have no problem with. What I absolutely detest is the way that writing I/i or We/we has monopolized the internet bred community. I come from way way back in the leather day. This writing did not exist. It is not part of any proper protocol. I find it an oxymoron actually. if you are going so far out of your way to separate your roles, then perhaps you ought to separate yourself and whoever you are with in the sentence. It is acceptable, albeit not necessary, to use capitals as a sign of respect to a Top. It is humbling, if submissive, to refer to yourself in lower case. But combining the two is awkward, silly and almost disrespectful in my opinion. The only thing I find good about it, is I am able to weed out those that have learned this 'lifestyle' on the internet from those that learned it from within.

    Thanks for the topic! Sorry for the late response!

  2. Oh man! I hate that! That is so goofy! My objection to that is an aesthetic one, though.

    I think that it's useful to separate the leather community, to which you belong (or did?), from a large, vague community consisting of anyone who's ever read about kink online. Those within the leather community have chosen to abide by a certain set of protocols, because that's what turns them on and makes them happy. Most of us, though, are just making it up as we go, based on whatever we like at the time.

    I would love to learn more about leather culture. In my head, it's Fight Club meets Catherine Opie meets Freemasonry.